Lost Stars
by ClearPurpleSkies
Summary: "What makes a person's heart grow wild is the constant suspicion that they are going to be betrayed, or used, or made a fool of. If you have just one or two people that you are able to trust implicitly, the type who makes you feel that even if they did betray you or use you, you would forgive them... then you are saved from isolation." Rika Yokomori. (LxOC) (MatsudaxOC)
1. Chapter 1

**_Hello! It's me again, yet with another piece of fanfiction. I was inspired by recent events in my life, so I felt the pulsing need of writing. And this story appeared in my head. Anyway, hope you like it, here introduccing a new OC._**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note (sadly), also i write with typos, might or might not correct them later. Enjoy.**

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" _What makes a person's heart grow wild is the constant suspicion that they are going to be betrayed, or used, or made a fool of. If you have just one or two people that you are able to trust implicitly, the type who makes you feel that even if they did betray you or use you, you would forgive them... then you are saved from isolation._ "

— Rika Yokomori, Tokyo Tango.

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 **Chapter I**

 **" _Just a girl caught up in dreams_ "  
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The name's Hayashi, Nanako Hayashi and there's three things I've known for certain in this life: The first one is that it is easy to become a disappointment when you are a quiet person.

People fail to realise it ain't a mask that you wear to hide your true self from everybody, there's no mask. You don't lie to them, they just make wrong assumptions about you all the time, and you don't have the courage or the mood to correct them... until it is too late. Don't astray even once from whatever expectations they have on you, or you'll be judged for that the rest of your life. That's how it works. Life gets a lot more complicated when you can't help but be a disappointment.

I was eight years old when my mother left us, my father and I. My last memory of her is a yellow dress and a brown suitcase leaving through the front door of an old and cramped apartment. That's when my father picked the bottle up… and he never put it down again until he died.

Maybe if I was a different person, I could have been able to save him. Because it wasn't the drink that killed him, it was his broken heart. I remained distant and quiet as I grew up, just watching him suffer and cry for a woman who probably never loved him... or me. I wasn't the child my mother wanted to have, I was born imperfect, defective in her eyes. A child who was born sick, condemned to live her life sick, with an ill, strange mind, forever knowing that she wasn't like the other children. Maybe that's why she left me, she couldn't handle what it was like to raise a person like me. Dad didn't know either. He might had given up on himself, but he didn't give up on me.

Dad was a mechanic, you see. But after mother left, he was unable to keep a job for more than a few months. His drinking didn't help either. Most of the time during my childhood years, it would be our neighbour, Mrs. Dazai the one making sure I ate, washed my face, did my homework, take my medicine, etc. She would often let me stay over the nights my father didn't returned from his night escapades with his young goldigger girlfriends. He was unable to keep the same woman for longer than he did a job.

So our gentle neighbour took care of me in his behalf. She probably felt sorry for me, a child who saw things no one else did, and pity my dad's miserable existence. But Mrs. Dazai was an older woman, and soon she became ill. Dark shadows started to hover around her tiny body, she grew paler witch each passing day. I was fourteen when her sons came one day to pick her up for an appointment with the doctor, or so she said. Whatever it was, she never came back to the building after that. I made sure to knock on her door everyday, wondering is she'd returned already. But weeks later I heard the landlord over the phone saying something about Mrs. Dazai's apartment going to be sold. She was never coming back. I didn't cry, I kind of expected it. Mrs. Dazai was dying, the shadows had proven me right.

I was still on school, when my father's behaviour became more erratic. He would spend all his paycheck in alcohol and whores, and wouldn't show up at home for an entire week. I had to drop out a seek for a job myself, but the few yens I as able to save within a month of work were not enough to make our ends meet. I had barely enough to buy my meds. We were asked to leave the apartment several times. Until one day some tattoed and menacing looking men walked into our doorstep and took our stuff out on the street. Everything. The beds, the frigde, the crooked dinning table and the plastic chairs. They emptied the closets and tossed our clothes and belongings out of the window.

My dad tried to stop them, but there where three of them, and he was just… him. You can figure out how that ended. I had to call an ambulance at the verge of tears, and he got a few stitches on his head. But not everything was about about that incident. From that day on, his drinking subsided a little a made uo his mind about looking for help. I guess it was thanks to him assinting to AA meeting, that he reunited with a friend of his from school, and he agreed to take us in for a while. At least, until I finished highschool, said my Dad. His friend, however, told him not to worry.

He was a nice and generous man, Mr. Matsuda. His house was pretty and clean, and I was fifteen when we started to live with his family. He had a lovely wife, who would often insist on me calling her "mother". I never did, of course, since I never had a good experience with that word. And a son, Touta, who was about my age. When I'd finished with my homework, I would help Mrs. Matsuda with the house, cleaning here and there, washing the dished, watering the plants. Then Touta and I would sneak out to the roof and talk about how much we hated school and bullies. We discovered we had that in common, neither of us were the popular kind. Those were good days, even if they didn't last long.

My dad and I had been living with the Matsuda family for a month now, when he got a great job oportunity in Osaka. Something to do with transporting commodities from one place to another. He didn't go further in detail. He left me with Mr. Matsuda's family, took the train and never came back. I saw a shadow resting on his left shoulder, but I was too happy to acknowledge what that meant.

The day he died, it was my sixteenth birthday, and it had been once the happiest day of my life. Mrs. Matsuda and her husband had arranged a small party for me and a few friends from school. We weren't many, I could count them with one hand and I would still have fingers left. There were pink ribbons and glitter balloons decorating the living room, and Mrs. Matsuda'd bought me the fanciest dress I'd ever owed. A red chiffon dress with little black stars along the skirt. I truly felt like a princess... but princess usually had a happy ending. That's something I've never known until the current date. Illussions are always easy to cast, because we are always eager to lie to ourselves and believe those lies it offers.

We were eating cake and posing for pictures when the doorbell rang.

Mr. Matsuda went to open it, and at his return, a dark shadow had fallen on his face. His eyes looked for me among the kids, and when I met his gaze… I just knew. My stomach tied in knots, my knees grew weak, and tears welled up in my eyes. Mrs. Matsuda pulled me in a tight embrace as Touta and his father sought he guests to the door. The party was over, but it felt more like my life was over.

They told me had been in a crash after exiting a bar. He hadn't been the best father, but he was my dad. And now he'd left me too. I was alone. Of course Mrs. And Mr. Mastuda asked me to live with them, they wanted me in their family. What they didn't know was that the me back then didn't want a family. I had one once, and seeing it falling apart hurt like hell. I didn't want to risk it again, I didn't want to feel that kind of pain ever again.

If I told them I was planning on leaving, they would have probably stop me. That's why I didn't tell them. I left on a christmas eve, talk about being dramatic. But it was the only moment I could sneak out the house without being noticed since they were all busy with the dinner preparations. Out in the cold, seeing the warm lights inside the house made me have second thoughts. I wondered if my mother ever had those after parting.

I resisted the urge to run back inside and bury my head in Mrs. Matsuda's chest, and started walking with my small bag at one side. I took a bus that got me closer to downtown, and kept walking. I didn't stop until I reached a noodle's shop. There was a bright sign in red letters that said help wanted. That was my first oportunity, and old Mr. Inazumi and his son welcomed me in because I reminded them of someone they knew. That's what they said. They fed me and gave me a place to sleep in exchange for my work. They didn't ask questions, and I thanked them for it.

After managed to finish school, I enrolled without hesitation to the National Police Academy. Reasons? I would walk out with a secure job, and all the commodities it came with. Health, social security, pension… I kept living by myself, on the Inazumi's on small studio right above the noodle shop. And then I was assigned to the Criminal Investigation department at the very heart of the NPA headquarters and this changed.

That's when I learned lesson number two: destiny brings people together in the most unexpected way.

It was the year 2003, winter was just around the corner and I was twenty two years old. Freshly graduated from the Academy, I walked in to my first day at the precint without knowing I would came face to face with the boy who'd been once my brother a long time ago.

I had just been assigned my supervising officer: a hard boiled, experienced detective, Mr. Aizawa who at first was not very happy about having to babysit a rookie around and on the top of that handle his regular cases at the Police Station. So he would send me on stupid errands like getting him some coffee, retrieving old files from the archive, transcribing an recorded interrogation and so on. With the time, I guess he couldn't help but grow fond of me, since I never complained and completed every task efficiently. One day, he decided I would be joining him on a new arising case that was shaking the country to the ground.

There had been a series of inexplicable deaths, criminals all over the world were dying of heart attacks. After the international police consulted with a private detective who when by the criptict name of "L", and who apparently was something big, he decided the investigation was going to be quarteled in Japan, more precisely at the very heart of the NPA.

We left the precint, and arrived to the investigation room. There were at least four dozen officers in there, and a big screen was set on with a proyector and everyone looked like they were waiting for something to happen. Aizawa asked me to find a place to sit down and get ready. I didn't even bother with asking for what. Something told me I was going to find out very soon.

That was when I was greeted by a pair of brown eyes, that seemed awfully familiar and which looked at me like I was a ghosts. I didn't know from were I knew him, until he spoke.

The bemused look was soon replaced by a smile. Wide and spread across his youthfull face when he recognized me. 'Nana!', he exclaimed. His smile only grew wider when he walked over to meet me.

I couldn't believe my eyes either. From all the places on earth… it had to be here.

'Touta?' I mumbled to myself, bewildered.

He nodded effusively and I noticed he was restraining himself from hugging me, I guess. He was standing on the tips of his toes and gestured broadly everytime he spoke. He'd told me how much Mr. and Mrs. Matsuda missed me, and how terrified they were to knew I left just like that. He also said they try to look for me for a while, but with no results. I didn't blame them for giving up on me, it was for the best, and I was not a part of their family.

They didn't have to care.

Touta would have probably keep talking and talking, if Aizawa hadn't asked him to shut it. I mentally thanked him, since I wasn't in the mood to talk about the past right now. We went back to our seats as the detective in charge of the case, Mr. Yagami, gave a speech about justice and police duty. Touta kept eyeeing me from his seat, and it was starting to give me the creeps. I didn't wanted to talk about the past… I didn't care about the past anymore. Or at least, that was the lie I was telling myself.

The investigation kept going, and all I did was checkihg calls of lunatics that claimed to be Kira. A few weeks had passed when L announced there was a leak in the task force. Somehow, our killer "Kira", with whom he had had a public confrontation on national TV, (killing a man in the process), had access to police information. That raised an alarm among the detectives and there was a massive walk-out. "We have families", they said. "If Kira knows our names and faces he will kill us, sorry Chief. We can't do this". One by one they left their resignation letter on Yagami's desk, and walked out. In the end, there were only seven of us, including the chief.

The me back didn't have any expectations of life. I was still very young and didn't like doing much thinking. That meant I was able to feel cool about everything, even death. On the other hand, it made me a rather shallow person. Since my supervising officer was staying in the team, I too decided to stay. Touta did too… We were seven, and later just six, when Mr. Ide walked away too saying that he had no interest in working with L.

It was New Year's eve and we left the precint to go and meet the mysterious man behind the curtain… screen in this case. It didn't bother me to welcome the new year working, it wasn't like I had someone special waiting at home to spend it with anyway. And my dying bonsai did not count. The closer I would get to a party that day were this men with stern-looks with whom I was walking along side in that cold winter night.

Despite of everything that had happened in my life, the me back then, lived in a extremely sheltered world. Never did I realize how sheltered it was until it was to late. It felt like I was living with my utmost effort, when I wasn't even trying. I always thought that was the real me. Back then I really thought… I wouldn't change. But that's just the third thing I've learned the hard way in this life. It doesn't matter how hard we try to stay unencumbered. You meet a thousand people and none of them matters, then you meet _one person_ … and your entire life's changed.

He changed mine. The faceless man, the world's greatest detective, the famous, the mysterious, the best, the one and only, the mighty "L", or how he introduced himself to us later that night... _Ryuzaki_.

 _Just Ryuzaki._

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 **XxX**

 _ **And that's as far as my inspiration goes tonight. Would you like to read more of this story? If so, please let me know :3 It's nice to write something people actually can relate to. I still haven't figured out how this is going to play out at the end anyway. XD**  
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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note (sadly), also i write with typos, might or might not correct them later. Enjoy.**

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" _Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?_ "

— Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart.

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 **Chapter II**

 **" _Searching for meaning_ "**

Twelve FBI agents had been kill by Kira. Twelve FBI agents that had been spying, monitoring, keeping track of every member of the Task Force at L's command. Every single one of us and those who were close to us. And Kira had found a way to get to them, exposing how distrustful L was of the men and women in the investigation team. That's why so many left, that's why Mr. Ide decided he would not trust nor work with L. And that was the sole reason why the World's greatest detective had agreed into meeting us six in person. He'd been waiting for this to happen, as Mr. Yagami pointed out. There were plenty of officers at the investigation who did not trust L even before it all began, he'd been counting on the team to reduce so that we who remained were those worthy of his trust.

But we knew better, even if we did not speak about it out loud. This was nothing but a defeat for him, for L I mean. Kira had won the battle but as for the War… it was only the begining.

I never gave much thinking about all the Kira situation, since all I did that past month was following orders. I didn't care about Kira, neither about what he was doing. As I said before, I was young and didn't like to do much thinking. However, killing criminals seemed pointless to me actually, crime was just a consecuence of society in the end. It could never be fully erased, unless you killed the majority of mankind. That's what I believed. Killing a killer has never reduced the number of killers in this world, has it? Kira was pointless… That was the closer I could get as for motivation was concerned.

Mr. Aizawa on the other hand, along with the other four men in the team, actually believed Kira was evil and had to be stoped. Perhaps Touta was the only one that could stand closer to my position. He wasn't sure whether Kira was that bad since the crime rate had decreased. But those thoughts were quickly shoved away by chief Yagami and the others, who threw disapproving glances at him the moment he opened his mouth.

So there we were, the six of us in front of the hotel-room's door ready to open it and meet the enygmatic L himself. If I've known better at that time, I would have done just as Mr. Ide and walk away when I could. But I remained, I stayed… just to meet L.

There's a story I remember hearing one time as a kid. It was about a servant in Bagdag, that one day was sent by his master to the marketplace for provisions. Soon afterward, the servant came home, white and trembling, and told the master that in the marketplace he'd been jostled by a woman, whom he recognized as Death, and she'd made a threatening gesture. Borrowing the master's horse, the servant fled to Samarra, where he believed Death will not find him. The master then went to the marketplace and found Death, and asked her why she'd made the threatening gesture. "That was not a threatening gesture", she replied. "I was merely surprised to see him in Baghdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra..."

We are foolish to think destiny can be avoided, outran or changed. It catches up with us in a blink of an eye. What is meant to be will happen sooner or later, and this account of memories is just a consecuence of the decision I made when I stayed at the Task Force.

Mr. Yagami knocked, and we heard a male voice at the other side of the door. 'It's open. Please come in'. As the door opened, the smell of cake hit me, and I caught a glimpse of what is looked like the sillhouette of a man. When we stepped inside, I got a better look at him.

He was barefoot, worn baggy jeans and a white sweater. His hair was a black mess, and those tired, unamused eyes looked like they belonged more to an old person than to the young man standing in front of us. He glanced and us, with a bored gesture 'I am L', he said, with the same tone you would use tell someone about the weather.

When we were done with the shocked and confused first expression, we all took our badges out and introduced ourselves as well.

That L person lift his hand toward us. Index finger pointing at us like when kids played shooters. 'Bang!', he suddenly exclaimed, making us jump confused.

'Huh?', Touta said.

'What the…? Hey! That's not funny', Mr. Aizawa cried and "L" just gave him a loopsided smile.

'If I were Kira, you and your men would be dead Mr. Yagami', he said matter-of-factly. 'All that Kira needs to murder somebody is knowledge of their name and their face you ought to know that by now. Please don't give out your names so carelessly…'

'So you really believe there's a supernatural reason behind Kira?', I asked, not sure why. It just felt right. Mr. Aizawa and the others gave me a confused look, but not L. He took a few steps closer to me, his hands in his pockets.

'Common sense says you can't kill anybody just by knowing their face and name. But the fact is, criminals are dropping dead one after the other on the basis of that information alone.', he replied. 'That is how he murders people, we have no choice but to believe it.'

I didn't say anything else, so L simply drifted his attention to the other members.

'We are the only ones left how are willing to risk our lives for this. So let's be careful about telling people our names.', he stated and turned around. 'Let's value our lives…'

'I heard about him needing a face but I haven't heard anything abour him needing a name?' Touta whispered and we exchanged looks. I shrugged.

'Criminals whose names were unknown or whose names were broadcasted incorrectly were all spared', Chief Yagami said to us.

'Let's not stand around and chat', L intervened gesturing us to the back of the room. 'Please come right this way'.

We followed him. He made us leave our cellphones in a table outside the living room he invited us to sit in, and took a seat in one of the salmon couches arranged in a circle. Oh well, sitting was one way of saying it. He actually crouched, his knees pulled up and feet resting on the edge of the seat. At first, it was a rather awkward exchange of words between the men. He asked us to call him 'Ryuzaki' and not L, he didn't want to drag much attention. I remained silence. I had nothing to say, anyway. Instead, I focused my attention in the excentric detective that had welcomed us into the investigation.

He was pale, awfully pale. However, there was something that looked intense about his complexion. Perhaps it was the bags around his eyes, maybe it was the hair. Or maybe… I was thinking to much about it. He was clearly not japanese, but there were some asian features in his face, I just couldn't identify them specifically. While explaining his thoughts on the Kira case, he took a black marker from his pocket and started to write on the surface of the marble table as if he owned the thing. Thinking back to that, he probably did.

'Kira is one of the people here who was being investigated by the FBI between the 14th and the 19th.', he concluded as the rest of the men stared in awe. He handed us the data from the FBI and the team seemed to cheer up at last. Mr. Aizawa and Touta took the lead by proposing to split into two groups to look through the notes. One was going to trace the FBI agents, and the other was going to research on those who had heart attacks.

'Well, then. Does anyone have any questions?', L asked after a while.

'I have a question, Ryuzaki', the Chief spoke. 'You said earlier that you hated to lose. But you've shown us your face. Do you see it as if you lost to Kira?'

'That's right. The fact that I've shown my face and that I've sacrificed twelve FBI agents are both losses', he replied. 'But I will win in the end. This is the first time I've laid my life on the line. Let's show Kira that we're willing to risk our lives… Because justice will definitely prevail'.

Justice… Such strange concept whose definition could vary, depending who you ask. If you ask a lawyer, he might tell you justice is the jury's veredict whenever it suits him. A monk might say it's karma. If you asked a police officer, justice would me putting criminals behind bars. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Justice is never that simple of a concept, is it? I wondered what kind of justice L meant. What would be his definition of justice? The law or… his own morals.

After that, he asked to meet each one of us in private, to make sure Kira wasn't among us. And it was my turn. I was the last one, but Touta had insisted in waiting for me, so that I would return home alone. He even suggested we went for drinks afterwards. I said yes without really meaning it, and his eyes shone so bright with enthusiasm that I actually felt sorry for don't wanting to go. In the end we actually had a good time.

L sat across the wooden table, or rather squatted on the chair. I could't help but thing that position must be rather uncomfortable. He held my file on his hands, oh well… between his index finger and thumb, like it was something disgusting to touch. If I hadn't seen him handling everthing else like that, I would have probably been offended.

'Miss Hayashi. Says here you have no living relatives', he started. I nodded in response. 'If Kira is among us, it's most likely you'

I didn't reply to that, there was no point on doing so. He sure liked to talk a lot, so I would just let him do the talking.

'What is your motivation for staying in this team?', he asked without even looking at me.

'Motivation?', I pressed my lips together and tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear. I wasn't sure how to respond to his question. I had a tendency to just say whatever tbe other person wanted me to hear, it was usually easy to figure out. Social expectations were always written across their faces, in the way they behave, talk and dress. However with L was not as clear as I would prefer, and that made me a little uncomfortable. So I put my money in just being honest for a change. 'I don't have any'

He put my file down and looked at me for the first time. That's when I noticed the look his his eyes I couldn't grasp moments before. What looked intense about him was the look on his eyes. It was the same look that greetes me in the mirror every day… loneliness. I bit my lower lip.

'Pardon?' He asked and I sighed.

'Motivation didn't have anything to do with me staying'

There was a moment of silence, in which I suposed L was weighing my words. Then he spoke. 'Interesting… then why did you stay?'.

Because I was bored and leaving was just too much paperwork? Because Mr. Aizawa stayed and I'm supposed to be wherever my SO is? Neither of those seemed like good reasons. There were no valid answers. So I didn't answer.

Instead I leaned forward a little bit. 'I have a question…' I said.

'Then ask'

I was surprised he let go of the previous question so easily, so it took me a moment to gather my words. 'W-what is your definition of… Justice?'

L remained silence for a moment. And when he finally spoke up, he did in a flat tone, almost bored. 'There are a lot of evils in this world. Justice means putting an end to them, not matter what'

'No matter what…', I echoed his words as I grasped its meaning. 'Even if that means becoming evil yourself?'. He didn't answer, but his silence gave his thoughts away. It was funny, how words weren't needed sometimes… I stared into his dark eyes. 'Then isn't what Kira is doing Justice?'

'Kira is a criminal'

'But he is killing criminals, isn't he? He's bringing justice to them. According to your words…'

'What Kira is doing isn't justice. Is murder'

'But is it okay to give a killer the death penalty? Isn't that murder too?', I asked. L's glanced narrowed a little. But did not reply. He probably read through me and disapproved of my intentions. 'Can I ask another question?'

'Would you stop of I said no?'. I didn't say a word, and L sighed. Maybe he wa starting to get annoyed with me. It wouldn't be a surprise, since I have that effect on people even today. 'You may ask' he said.

'This is a game, isn't it? You and Kira… You don't care because he's killed thousands of people. You care because he made you reveal your face to us. You care because you lost'.

'You are completely right', he said with a straight face, which geniunly took me by surprise, again. 'However, I would recomend you keeping those thoughts to yourself. The men out there are not like you and me. This is not something they can understand'

I nodded.

'I will.'

'You may leave', he gestured me to the door. I stood up and bowed to him before make my leave. But he stopped me right on the door. 'One more thing, Miss Hayashi'

I turned around.

'Yes?'

'About your diagnosis… I don't believe it will get in the way of our investigation. But if you feel…', he pressed his lips together for a moment, as if he was looking for the right word. And the he found it: '…unseasy. Let me know right away'

'Yes, Ryuzaki'.

Outside the room, Touta was waiting for me with a smile.

'How did it go?', he asked. I faked a small smile and nodded.

'It went fine'.

'Shall we go?' He offered me an arm. I gave him a tiny small and accepted the chivalry. Before we left, I glanced back at the door. I couldn't help but think about the lonely man we left in the hotel room. We become isolate ourself from the world for different reasons, but it always ends up having something to do with a broken heart.

Mine was broken by my mother and father. That much I knew. But I still wonder until today… Who could have broken L's heart?

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 _ **XxX**_

 _ **Hi guys! Thank you so much for your kind comments. I'd never have thought this story would get more than one fav or follow. But thank you so much for supporting Nanako. It makes me happy. I hope you enjoyed this second chapter, a little shorter than the first (sorry about that), and see you next week with a new update. Kisses.**_


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